Bollocksy Nonsense: March 2011

SHHHHUUUCCCKKKKKK Huh huhh huhh huufff.
‘Hey man don’t suck the bag dry!’
‘Yeah I spent my last quarter on that shit!’
Deaner handed the bag to Sybil and fell backwards onto the packed dirt garbage fill floor of the junkyard. The stars began to spin clockwise, slowly at first, then speeding up they reversed directions and glowed cheeto-cheese orange.
SSSSHHHUUUCCCCKKKKK Hhuff huff hurrff.
‘Awww mannnn….” Sybil handed the bag to Ralph, ‘we gotta get cement more often. This is way better than my dad’s old wood glue.”
Ralph stared into the bag.
‘Wass the matter upchuck?’ Deaner slurred, slowly swiveling back to a sitting position.
‘I dunno man. I was just thinking about my dad.’
Sybil pushed her long straw blonde hair behind her ear and leaned on Ralph’s shoulder, putting her arms around his neck.
‘I know Ralph, I know.”
SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK Huff huff huuuhhh huff.

‘What the fuck is this you little shit! I told you to clean up this shit yesterday!’ He was pointing at the chaos of rot next to the fridge. ‘You never fucking listen to me. Why can’t you do what your told.’ The spit flies from his mouth and dribbles onto his piss pale yellow shirt. ‘What’s the matter with you. Are you dumb? You fucking idiot. Goddamnit Ralph why don’t you listen to me!’ He reels his arm back, bottle ready to sail across the room. For a second the bottle turns into a baseball, his father pitching. They are on the front lawn. Ralph is about six. He has to be six, cause there’s mom on the porch pregnant with sister. Ralph keeps his eye on the ball like his father taught him. He reaches his glove out to make the perfect catch. But the sunlight gets in his eye. The bottle smashes behind his head, knocking the picture of the family at Niagara Falls.
Ralph’s cheeks burn. His hands are in tight fists. His teeth are clenched. He knows his anger is not a solution, only a reflex. ‘Now get a garbage bag and clean up this fucking mess you little fucker.’ Ralph goes into the kitchen and to get the trash can and broom. He stops at the bottom of the stairs on the way back from the kitchen. His eyes nervously glance at the portrait next to the doorway. He whispers to it, then walks to the pile of bottles and garbage.

‘Do you think I’m pretty Deaner?’
Dean sucks on his slurpee straw. Filling his cheeks with sugar ice crystals and tries not to look at Sybil. He decides to focus on his sneakers.
‘Dean… did you hear me?’
He gulps down his mouthful and passes it to Sybil. Sybil who is staring at him with those big soft brown eyes. With her cherry slurpee stained lips and gapped teeth. With her sunburnt cheeks, skin peeling off her nose, freckles dotting her face. With skinned knees and cut offs, tennis sneakers and blouse. It was white, with an embroidered daisy chain at the neck, it hung off her shoulders. Her shoulders were freckled too, and hunched over trying to hide her breasts bulk. Dean clears his throat and spits a wad of cherry spit onto the road.
‘Why are you asking me?’
‘Well. You’re a boy. You’re my best friend. And I know you would never lie to me. Cus you know if you lied I’d beat you up.’
She sucks slowly trying to make the melty end last. She sneaks a glimpse of Dean. His arms have more muscle on them since last summer. His hair is longer now too, curled up at the ends and always hanging in front of his face. He is much tanner after coming back from visiting his Grandma over the summer break. He had changed so much. He still wore his vans though, and rode his skateboard to her house everyday. He was still the same Deaner, but he shed his childish giggle for a hearty laugh that raised the hairs on the back of Sybil’s neck.
‘Yeah. You’re really pretty Sybil. You’re probably the prettiest girl I know!’ his voice grew louder with each declaration. He stares up into the sunlight. ‘When I was in California all my friends kept taking about the girls in their bikinis. And I was like, pssh you should see my friend Sybil! She’s gorgeous! She blows your ‘bodacious babes’ out of the water!’ Deaner jumped up on the sidewalk, ‘SYBIL RACHMAN IS THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN ALL OF NEVADA! YOU HEAR THAT YOU SHITEATERS!’ A couple walking their dog on the other side of the street turned their heads and tutted.
Sybil cracked a smile, still chewing on the slurpee straw.
‘Deaner?’ Dean sits back down next to Sybil taking the slurpee from her hands. He sucks it dry.
‘Yeah Syb’s?’
‘Thanks.’

‘Hey Sybil, my day says your mom is the cheapest hooker in town. Cause she’s got that huge scar on her belly and tits that sag to the ground!’
‘Hey Stinky Sybil if I give you my lunch money can I come fuck your mom after school?’
‘Hey Sybil! My mom says you can’t come to my party because you’d turn us into sinners stepping through the door!’
‘Sybil, I really need to speak with your mother. Isn’t there anytime she can come speak to me? Or maybe I can stop by your house and have a chat with her?’
‘Sybil! You better run those laps like the rest of the girls! Put on that sports bra and hurry up! We don’t need your tits smacking the smaller girls when they run past yah!’
‘Oh, good morning Sybil. I, uh, stopped by to talk to your mother. I, uh, well, I guess I’ll see you in class Sybil. And don’t worry about the test tomorrow. I see an A+ in your future.’
‘You gunna eat your lunch today Sybil? I’ve seen you throw it out four times this week. If you’re not going to eat it I’m not going to serve it to you. I’ll just give it to one of the other kids. You should be so lucky to get a hot meal from school. Couldn’t your mother just make you a lunch you could throw away instead of wasting the schools money?’
‘Hey Sybil, you dirty whore. I’m going to fucking rape you. You know you want it. You are a dirty whore just like your mother.’
‘Sybil, sweetie? Is that you? Mommy’s got to stay late tonight at work. I won’t be home until morning. Can you keep an eye on your sister? I left money on the counter you kids can order pizza if you want. Oh Sybil, don’t look at me like that. I have to work otherwise who is gunna pay for this house? And the car? And your clothes? And your food? Who is going to take care of you and your sister? Come on Sybil, you’re a big girl. You just sit here and do your homework, then you can watch TV. How about over the weekend we can go shopping, would you like that? We can get you a new dress. Maybe some new bras? You look like you’re starting to grow out of that one. Hoo! You certainly got them from my side of the family. We Rachmen women are a big titted bunch! SYBIL! Get back here! Don’t you walk away from me when I’m talking to you. SYBIL! Don’t slam the door your sister just went down for her nap! SYBIL! SYBIL I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN.’

‘Deany dear could you set the table for supper?’
‘Just a minute ma I’m helping Billy with his homework’
‘Alright, well hurry up. Dinner will be ready soon and your father will be home any minute.’
‘Okkayyyyyy!’
The smell of Ma’s meaty lasagna filled the small house. She fixed a salad and whipped up some dressing for the side. She could hear her boys in the other room, Grandpa’s ventilator beeping, and the buzz of the TV set. ‘Deeeeannnieeee!’ she sang out.
‘Alright MA!’ he came in to the kitchen with Billy following a few steps behind.
‘Dean can I help you set the table?’
‘Sure kiddo. Why don’t you get the napkins from the cupboard.’
‘Roger that!’ Billy gave a two finger salute and rushed to fill his big brothers request.
Dean opened the cabinet and took out the plates and glasses. ‘Spoons or forks, Ma?’
‘Forks sweetie, we are having lasagna.’
He sets up each setting with a plate and glass, showing Billy what side to put the napkins on.
‘Maaa can we have pepsi with dinner tonight?’ Billy asks tugging at his mother apron.
‘I don’t see why not. I think there is a bottle in the garage. Ask Grandpa if he’d like some too.’
‘Grrraaannndddppaaaa’ Billy’s voice trails after him into the living room.
‘Here let me get that Ma,’ Dean takes the salad bowl from his mother’s hands and walks it to the table, ‘anything else need to go on the table?’
‘No that’s it for now. Can you help bring Grandpa in here? I don’t think Billy can by himself.’
‘I can still walk to the table by myself Marie, I’m not an invalid yet,’ Grandpa’s voice is coarse but hasn’t begun to waver. He walks slowly but steadily to the doorway, leaning on the frame.
‘I know dad, I just don’t need you falling down and breaking something we can’t afford to replace” she says with a smile.
‘Here Poppy sit next to me!’ Billy pulls out a seat. Grandpa sits gingerly.
‘Hello family!’
‘DADDY!’ Billy forgets about Grandpa and runs to greet his father. Dean helps his grandfather get settled.
Father has Billy slung over his shoulders as he enters the kitchen. ‘I’ve found a little boy on my way here, can we keep him mother?’
‘Oh! Well he is such a cutie! I don’t see why not!’ Mother giggles and pinches Billy’s bottom. Father kisses Mother on the cheek and sets Billy in his seat next to Grandpa.
‘Marie that smells delicious!’ Father says sniffing the air. Dean pours pepsi in the glasses on the table, ‘dad you want some?’ ‘Sure, thanks Deaner.’ They all sit in their chairs as Mother brings the hot lasagna to the table.
‘You’ll have to wait a minute till it cools. Robert?’
Father holds his hands out and takes the hand of his wife and eldest son. Dean takes his father’s hand and his brother’s. Billy takes Dean’s and his Grandpa’s hand. Grandpa takes Billy’s hand and his daughter’s. They bow their heads and close their eyes.
‘Thank you lord for the gifts we are about to receive. We thank you for our health and our prosperity. Bless us lord. Amen.’
‘Amen’ the family choruses.

‘Come on Syb this is fucking stupid.’
‘No its not! If you don’t want to you don’t have too.’
‘Okay okay. What do I have to do again?’
‘You never listen to a thing I say do you Ralph?’
Ralph makes a face and shrugs his shoulders.
‘Take this piece of paper and write down your biggest fear, or someone you hate, or something you wanna get rid of. On the other piece of paper write your name. Your full name. Tie the pieces of paper to each side of the string. Like this.” Sybil quickly scrawls her name and rolls up the paper. She wraps the end of the twine around it and ties it in a tight knot.
‘Okay, now what?’ Ralph asks after completing his task.
‘Now you hold the string over the candle and whisper, ‘I free myself from thee’
Sybil goes first. Holding a piece of paper in each hand, the string is taut over the flame. Under her breath she quickly repeats the spell. The words run together becoming a chant as the flame licks apart the twine until it breaks. Dean holds his the same and mumbles the spell.
‘Now what?’
‘Now we have to bury the papers far from each other. I usually take the part that has my name and bury it in front of my house. The other part I bury in the junk yard.’
‘You’ve done this before?’
‘A few times.’ Sybil’s voice gets quiet and soft.
‘Has it ever worked?’
‘I don’t think so. But it beats going to church.’

‘Sybil! Hey SYBS! Sybil wait up!’
‘Not.. sniff.. now.. De-hic-an’
‘Sybil! Whats the matter! Whats wrong?’
‘Oh its nothing.’
Sybil presses her body into the small space between the brick wall and the dumpster. Dean places his hands on her shoulders and turns her around. Her head still hangs and her body shakes with sobs. He pulls Sybil into him, her head resting on his shoulder, her crying quiets.
‘Oh Dean. I can’t take this bull shit anymore. I know I’m a senior and I am going to be getting out of here in a few months. But still! They won’t shut up and I can’t take it. They know just how to get me. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could ignore them. But I can’t. I just CANT!’
‘I know, Sybs. It’s hard to let it go. Who was it? I’ll fucking kill them. I hate to see you cry like this. Its not fair. You’re the nicest, sweetest girl in this whole school. They’d see that if they only gave you the time of day.’
‘Fucking Danielle Montalbano. She asked if my outfit was a hand me down from my mom. Then made some crack about how I could never go into the family business because no one would wanna see my frumpy ass naked. And she’s fucking right. Who the hell is ever going to want to date me? You’d think for once my family curse would have helped me get a boyfriend. But christ, I’ve never even been kissed!’
Dean holds Sybil arms length away and turns his face with a slight look of hurt.
‘Ouch Sybs.’
‘What?’
‘We kissed, remember?’
‘Oh god Deaner we were 10. It didn’t mean anything.’ She shakes her head and cracks a smile. Dean stares at their shoes, almost touching.
‘It meant a lot to me.’
Sybil looks up and wipes her eyes with her fingertips. Dean has his head down, he is biting his lip, he fiddles with his bangs, and clears his throat in an attempt to erase what just slipped out.
‘Oh Dean…!’
He looks up and meets Sybil’s eyes. She smiles, a real smile, he knows because she lets her teeth show. They look at each other in silence; both trying to read the other’s next move. Sybil steps forward and flips her hair over one shoulder. She clears her throat.
‘Well! Lets make this one more memorable then, huh?’
‘Wait what?’
Sybil giggles and leans in to meet Deaner’s chapped lips.

‘What the hell is the matter with you! You lousy piece of shit! You good for nothing son-of-a-bitch!’
THWAP. His hand is heavy and sweaty. It meets Ralph’s skull with a sickening sound. He falls back onto the crusty stained carpet. He tastes the blood coming from his nose trickling to the back of his throat.
‘You little asshole! You’re worthless!’
Ralph lies motionless but manages to sputter a retaliation.
‘Wassat boy? Whad you say?’
Ralph sits up and leans on his forearm. He coughs and spits on to the floor. ‘I said, worthless… like my old man…’ His father’s eyes fall to the floor. Ralph sees the water begin to well in his father’s raw eyes. ‘Save your tears you miserable bastard. You’re not allowed to cry.’ Ralph’s voice is strong even though his body shakes upon standing to his feet.
‘You can’t talk to me like that you little…’
‘Little what dad?! If you haven’t noticed I’m a grown man now DAD. I’m not a little kid any more. I’m not picking up your bottles. I’m not wiping up your vomit. I’m not letting you control me.’ Ralph’s voice is hard; he has practiced his speech before. Repeating it again and again while looking into the mirror. He knows how rigid his jaw is. He knows his eyes are like steel. He knows this will be the last time. This time his anger is the answer. Ralph’s father begins to sweat and tremble. ‘That’s right, you should be scared old man. Because I’m done being scared.’ Ralph lunges at his father pushing him hard in the chest. He falls to the floor with Ralph on top of him; hands around his throat. ‘How do you like it! You like feeling helpless! You like being scared?’ Ralph reels his hand back, follows through each punch, connecting knuckle to jaw. With every swing the memories flash.
Mom’s round and moves slowly through the house. Dad’s setting up the nursery. Mom makes spaghetti. Birthday candles. Roller blades.
Mom’s screaming. Horrible, guttural screaming. Like when dad ran over the cat. Dad cradles her and carries her to the car. The neighbor’s wife lets me stay up and eat waffles. I watch Donald Duck.
Dad comes back the next morning to pick me up. He tells me God decided that he wanted mommy and my baby sister in heaven. Dad tells me that we need to pray for mommy and my baby sister, and trust God’s plan.”
I’m wearing a suit that’s itchy. Everyone tells me how sorry they are. How beautiful my mother was and what a brave boy I am.
Sitting at the kitchen table. I’m eating Chips Ahoy! from the package. I want a glass of milk but I cannot reach the cups. Dad is sitting is watching the TV. He has made it very clear I am to leave him alone. I pull out the milk container and try to drink from it like dad does now. But its heavy and slips out of my hands spilling all down my front and onto the kitchen floor. Dad runs in. He is yelling at me. He picks me up by my collar and throws me across the kitchen.
I am thirteen. My dad is hurling me out of the front door because my hair is too long and I look like a hippie. Walking around town at night I meet Sybil Rachman. She tells me she is running away from home. She is going to New York. She says she has seen me in school. She asks me why I’ve always got bruises all over.
Sybil’s face fades before him. Ralph begins to cry. His arm drops to his side. Slowly he stands up over his father. His father’s face is smashed into the floor. He spits out gobs of sticky blood. Ralph sits in his father’s chair and stares at his twitching father.

‘Ralph!’ Sybil’s arms swing around his neck. She smells like perfume. She is wearing glitter platforms and a yellow dress.
‘Oh it’s so good to see you!’
‘Not like this, though.’
‘Ralph you’ll be out soon enough, and you can come live with me and Dean in New York!’
‘Did you guys find a place yet?’
‘Oh Ralph it’s everything I could have hoped for! I’m still getting used to the seasons and the subways but otherwise, it’s heaven!’ She goes on about her new place. Buying a sofa, watching Dean try to fix the sink, making meals out of thin air, and staying up late just because she can.
‘That sounds so great Sybil. I’m so happy for you and Dean.’
‘He wanted to be here, he really did. But he just got this job and we can’t afford him losing it. You understand. He sends all his love and he wrote you a letter for me to give to you personally. I brought you a few things too. They’ve got them at the commissary. They said you could pick them up tomorrow morning.’
The tears begin to well in her eyes.
‘Now come on Syb, you’ll smudge your make up.’
‘It’s just not fair! You’ve been in here for three years now! You didn’t even diserve to be in here for one. I don’t understand. I hate this. I wanted us to all be free together. Living in New York. Starting fresh. Getting out of this shitty town. I wanted so badly for us to be free from this Ralph.’ She clutches his hands and leans on his shoulder for support and comfort.
‘Sssh sshhh. Syb’s its alright. Just knowing you and Dean are out of here gives me hope. I know I’m going to get out of here soon. And when I do, you bet I’ll be on the first plane to New York City.’ He smiles and lifts her chin up. ‘No more tears Syb’s. I’m already free.’
‘How can you be free when you’re rotting in this fucking cage. With these goddamn animals. You’re not a criminal! You’re not you’re the sweetest, gentlest…’
‘Syb I am a criminal. What I did was wrong. But you need to know this. I am okay here. I will serve out my sentence. And when I leave, walking through those barbed wire gates will taste so sweet. But you need to believe me when I say this Syb… I am free. The second I stood up for myself I was free. I left that child behind and become someone. I realized I had worth. I realized we all had worth in us. You hated your folks and the kids at school. So you stood up and left them. You stuck your neck out to prove you could get out of here. And you did it! And it may not look like it, but I did too. The second I smashed my old man’s face in for that first second… I had proved I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t a little boy, and that I could take charge of myself. You’ve done that too. We got out Syb. We’re free.’
Sybil looked into Ralph’s face. It had been almost two years since she had last seen him. Talking to him through shatterproof glass on a crackly telephone. His hair had grown back awkwardly, sticking up in the front. He had a few fresh cuts on his cheek and some new scars on his forehead. His beard was coming in more evenly, but he still hadn’t figured out how to tame it. What struck her the most were his eyes. She did not see a beaten animal, whimpering and torn down. She saw a glow; right behind his eyes. One Dean often mentioned seeing in her own eyes since they had moved to the city. He said to her it looked as if a tiny candle had grown into a brushfire.