friday

on the fire escape

the two most annoying sounds in the world fill my ears

our neighbors cat howling in heat

and four different ice cream truck jingles

someone fuck that cat

and buy some damn ice cream

Going Away: Returning to Life

Taking the train home backwards

River runs smooth beside me

Endless wall of rock towers above

Branches hang low, slick with mornings scattered showers

The end of my tea is a sugary sludge

Flipping through the pages of a book

Scribbling and scratching at my papers

Tired of sitting still

Marveling at the machinery I'm surrounded in

Engines start and stop with loud gasps

A baby cries, an old man mumbles, a woman talks nervously into her mobile

I am not interested

I am consumed by the thought of leaping out those heavy train doors and making my escape into the wilderness

Taking my leave of routine

Putting in my two week disappearance notice

I want to run along side this train

feel the rocks
smell the air
bathe in sunlight

return to the trees roots.

Outside of Death

Why do I feel...
Why do I feel so awful?
Why do I feel betrayed, slighted, mistreated...
When there has been no wrong doing?

No misdeed. No lies.

Nothing is wrong here
Nothings wrong but me

No one is at fault but me
Making myself so ill


SICK SICK SICK

I am my own sickness
I am my own fault
I am my own enemy

VIRUS COATED SKIN. DISEASE RIDDEN SOUL.

I am my troubled thoughts
I am my fears
I am my worries

I feel awful
I am awful
I am awful at keeping myself in one piece

I am sick
I am ill
I am fear

I am SICK SICK SICK

I cannot deny my disease

their eyes connect from across the room
they sit silently among the noise
they don't involve themselves in chatter or mingling
they're still in the chaos around them
they've heard it all
they've seen it all before
they've been there already

the only thing stopping them is their mutual embarrassment of realizing they've been seen.

Protocals

Keep to yourself

Only speak when you have something witty to say

Don't talk to strangers on the street

Beware of wolves when you are a hen

Don't cry over spills, wipe it up and apologize.

Avoid eye contact which makes you look available

Skirts should end at your finger tips, any shorter and you're asking for it

Standing up for yourself only leads to trouble, take it in stride

Smile only when you have too

Turn the other cheek; fighting back is for the uncivilized

It is better to turn back than to head into the unknown

Do as I say; not what you feel like doing

No man shall take me alive

They will drag me kicking and screaming
They will force me out howling with laughter
They will never silence my fiery tongue
They cannot take me alive

I will not go down with out a fight
Gnashing my teeth at their fingers
Writhing and kicking, impossible to control

I WONT SHUT UP UNTIL THEY SHUT DOWN.
No man shall take me alive.

WANT

Want that book
Want that rug
Want those records
want those coffee mugs

want those shoes
want that shirt
want a cup of coffee
want a dessert

wanna stimulate the economy
wanna help strengthen our weak system
wanna help out a vendor with electricity bills
wanna help the merchants peddling wares we want
we may not need
but WANT

can't spare a dime to fill a cracked cup
can't lose a bill on a waitress's tip
can't waste what you've got so little of to help others

these things are so GREAT!
what do I want?
WHAT.

Sniveling cunt

YOU DON'T DESERVE MY SYMPATHY

You have been cruel since the day you were birthed
You are a shell, a soulless body, you are a waste

I owe you no favors
I owe you no truth
I owe you no sweetness
I owe you nothing

You slip through the world unseen as the horror you are
You blend into life with a smile and coy eyes
You slither upon your belly like the slime you know you are
YOU ARE EMPTY BEHIND THOSE EYES

You are worthless
and I will let you know it
Every moment you live

Rats in the rain

I wonder how the rats of new york city fair in the down pour.

Do they coward from the cold wet.
Or spend the day swimming in a cool shower.

Time for mama rats to wash socks and sheets
Time for kiddie rats to race sail boats.
Time to sail the current down to cousin rat's hole for a visit.

I wonder how the sewer rats fair in the down pour.

10:00 PM April 29th, 2010

Sitting around perched on makeshift furniture
Shaky knees, banged up ankles
Jittery fingers unable to really get anything done

'You're the good things'
'Yeah thats you'

Bellies full of slop made with love and a vague idea of how to cook

I think these are enough potatoes
More rosemary?
Less salt!

Food stamps provide the ingredients
We supply the giggles and the sillies
We supply the getting it done and making it delicious

Do it yourself. Talk bullshit. Talk politics. Do it yourself. Talk problems. Talk solutions. TALK TALK TALK. DO DO DO.

I don't wanna be your Dog

You make me think I like being victimized
LOOK INTO MY EYES

You make me think I want to be abused
LOOK INTO MY EYES

LOOK AT YOURSELF

You make me think I want your baby talk
You make me think I wanna be your toy


you make me sick
you make me pissed
you make a mockery of MANkind
you are a BLIGHT to WOMANkind

Don't you get it
I don't wanna be an object
I don't wanna be a doll

Don't you see I am your sister?
Don't you see I am a mother?
Don't you see I have had a long day and am to tired to bother with you breathing down my neck?
I am a friend, a lover, a fighter.

Look at yourself
Listen to yourself
Choose who you wanna be
Decide what you'd rather say

I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR CUTIE, HONEY, SWEETIE PIE
I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR DOG
I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR GOOD LOOKIN', MMM-BABY!
I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR DOG

B.I.T.C.H.

"Biiiiiittcchhhh!"

You hear it in your ear
You turn around
Stings like a bee
What the fuck did you just call me?

A B.I.T.C.H.

B for bold, brassy, and brilliant
I for intelligent, inventive, incendiary
T for talented, tactical, and tits
C for classy, curvy and cunt
H for hold on am I going to fast for you?

WELL FORGET IT! IF YOU CAN'T KEEP UP IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Never feel sorry. Never surrender.
No regrets. Cause I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG.


I've the right to defend and demand
I will speak my frustration
I willscream my revolution down your throat
YOU DON'T MEAN SHIT
I'LL SAY HOW I FEEL

Manifest while they cringe
Who cares who the audience is
DEMAND THE RESPECT
DEMAND THEIR ATTENTION

SICKzine

While berated and plagued by physical illness throughout the years due to my almost nonexistent immune system, I have been subject to a far more severe illness that cannot be detected by physical symptoms and can only be cured through will power and mental warfare alone. The medical world classifies it as “mental illness.”



The brain behaves much like the hustle and bustle of New York City. Neurons and chemicals cross synapses with lighting speed like people getting on and off the 6 train with places to go. Like the motor skills building or going to gland hubs to make sure adrenaline is pumping more than usual when I am at a concert thrashing around assuring that my cells are keeping my heart beating in time with the music.



Sometimes the trains get delayed or services become obsolete due to construction in the tunnels or to budget cuts. Sometimes your body goes on strike in places where there used to plenty of workers to maintain serotonin levels and suddenly half your body is on strike. Half the work force leaves and you start to feel unsteady and emotional, but you just cry a little bit and act a bit more solitary, nothing to really worry about. With those facilities not nonfunctioning other parts of the city start to run bumpier and eventually more collapse occuyrs. Then you shut down completely because if no one is in the city, why bother being a city?



This- in medical jargon- is known as the cycle of clinical depression. The chemicals you need to keep your brain running smoothly have left you, they are fed up with the way you have been treating them. That’s the bottom line of your illness. It can be fixed with hours of therapy and multiple visits to specialists. When those fail to cure you your next, and seemingly genius step, are chemical combination A, B, C, or D.



This chemical cocktail enables you to wake up each morning without the dread of living another day full of misery, stress, pain, uncertainty, sadness, and a myriad of other symptoms which most people suffer from occasionally but you suffer from constantly. Not only constantly but amplified to the point of suicide looking like a better option that handing in your homework.



But keep in mind clinical depression is only the beginning. On top of that you have mania caused by straggling chemicals still trying to make your brain function as it knows it is supposed to. But they don’t do much expect give you short bursts of creativity and energy which eventually leave you more burnt out than you felt before. You also find out that you’re anxious: generally and socially. This is caused by your depression and mania. Although these diagnoses start to make sense you wonder, am I really that messed up? You the psycho pharmacologist’s about these ‘attacks’ you get. Where nothing can calm you and everything swirls and your body shakes. You can not stop crying and heaving and you have no idea why. So then chemical cocktail A, B, and C are not enough. Now you need G, F, and X too. That will supposedly solve all those problems. Then after a few weeks on these new cocktails you realize you can’t cry, you still feel awful and unable to do anything and the panic attacks, although less frequent, have become more violent. So then you take drug D and it is all better. We promise, trust us, you will feel so much better.



It will put an end to days spent in your bed with the lights off refusing to move because- “why bother? The day will be awful. I will fuck up everything because that’s what I do. I am a fuck up. I can’t do anything right so why bother? Why be a burden on my family and friends? They say they are there for me, but I know I scare them. They are just trying to be polite. They don’t really want to listen to me sobbing and complaining about anything and everything. They don’t want to hear my self-deprecation. They think I am a drama queen who wants the spot light and all the attention. She wants everyone around to feel bad for her and pay attention to her and only her. She’s just bullshitting us all, what an attention whore they all think. Why bother getting out of bed when all you have to look forward too is failure. Because you are a failure, and a fuck up, and there is just too much to deal with, and you’ll get nothing done, and, and, AND…” This goes on constantly morning, noon and night. You miss work, deadlines, classes, concerts, sitting in the sunshine, hanging out with friends. I miss everything. While the alarm is ringing. While the phone is going off. While schoolwork sits in piles. While I lose my job. While you sit secluded waiting for something, anything.



You think after seven years of a constant never ending affliction you would have learned some coping skills by now. But every day is different. Bringing new stress, more panic. There are bigger fish ot fry and you have no appetite.


Mental illness has few physical symptoms and it is difficult to explain to those in my own radical community. “But you seem so happy!” “Why do you take those medications? They poison your body and make those horrible pharmaceutical companies richer! How could you willingly pump funds into those evil companies?” (“you wouldn’t want to see me off them”), “What’s wrong? Having a bad day? Come here and tell me all about it!” (“no, no I’m fine- but you seem sad tell ME all about it. Let me be your shoulder to cry on.”), “What the fuck is your problem dude?”



What’s my problem? Everything is my problem. Life is my problem. A chemical imbalance that I cannot see and barely understand is my problem. People not believing me is my biggest problem. Why schizophrenia or obsessive compulsive disorder are seemingly more “understood” and “accepted” as mental illnesses by the public rather than depression, when depression is the most common, I won’t ever understand.



My problem is forming the phrase, “I have a mental affliction which alters my behaviors. Sometimes I have to rely on many different medications, several specialists, and myself to pull together what little strength I have to make it through a morning. How do you explain to someone that I sit in a car with my hand poised contemplating the pros and cons of opening it and hurling myself onto the freeway or lying in the bathtub seeing how it how long I stay under without air in my lungs. How going out with friends, going to class, going to work and always thinking everyone is staring at me and making judgments and assumptions which make me never want to leave the bathroom. I am always worried that I will never be good at enough and that anything I touch will crash and burn.



I have chronic mental illnesses and sometimes it just hurts to keep breathing. I do not know if this can help you understand but maybe you can at least know what it feels like.

Painted Ritual

Frictions entice sensations
Carnal urges turn to blood lust
Fending for the raw fluid, stripped
Claws shred flesh
Pupils dilate from the stench
Double helixes flatten creating spirals
Multiplying and sphering as the pulses convulse
Genetic coding rips apart, daughter cells
The product of production
Gripping Flesh, Scream
Ripping veins, Howl
The intercourse passes the implied organs
Opening pores and energies to a fresh and deeper perspective of the raging experience of melting bodies
Bodies still sticky and smoking; exhausted
Still electric, neurons ablaze
Mouths agape, ribs rattling
Limbs tangled, inter weaved
Tongues heavy, panting
Sore, beaten, bruised, salty skin
Explored, endured, engulfed, exhumed
Tortured with temptations
Hungry for more
Sweat Ritual.